We can’t help but continuously think about the past. I keep wondering what could have, would have, should have. One can argue that dissecting what happened can help us figure out our mistakes and learn to not make them again in the future.
The dissecting is all done by ourselves however. We seek advice from our friends, we replay the situation over and over again in our heads. Cliché saying, but it’s true when people say “It’s not you, it’s me.”
In my situation, it wasn’t even said. I just have to understand that the concept stands; even for this situation. When you’re not the one who made the mistakes, it’s not your fault.
I can’t try to understand or ‘learn from my mistakes’ because I wasn’t the one who made them. It’s stupid for me to try and understand why when it wasn’t me. I was just an unlucky soul hit in the crossfire.
So I need to stop dissecting. It reminds me of math for some reason. You recognize the problem at hand but say you’re supposed to multiply to solve, I’m dividing instead. It’s never going to get me where I need to be.
Where I need to be is important, I need to be happy, I need to understand and accept that it wasn’t me. I need to understand that terrible things happen to people that don’t deserve it all the time. Not just to me. There is no singular event in this universe.
I took steps to recover today. I left the house, went to the gym, reached out to people I usually don’t reach out to in order to reconnect with people.
I wasted a lot of time in the past on this same issue and it’s time I can’t have back. I can only make sure I don’t sink more time into something unworthy.
So for today’s personal development/realization, it’s to look to the future and stop looking into the past. Past won’t help me when it wasn’t my fault. I didn’t do anything wrong, I don’t have anything I should feel sorry for. I don’t deserve to let someone else’s mistakes hinder my development and my happiness. His mess is not for me to clean and I sure as hell refuse to let it get on me.
Today was a good day, I kept my self occupied, and learned to love myself just a little bit more. I know there will be days where I may fall back but that’s also worrying too much into the future. What matters is that I’m okay right now in the present, and it’s what I should continue striving for.