Reflections

The One About Moving On

Life is funny. Things happen when you least expect them to, but I’m ever so grateful that they did.

A couple days ago, I managed to get so depressed literally did nothing all day except curl up in a ball and cry all day. ALL DAY. Incredibly unproductive. I was hitting my rock bottom.

I was trying to do anything I could to stop being sad that day. I read first couple chapters of my self help book on my kindle, actually spoke with my mom for once, I went back to prayer.

I grew up with a Christian upbringing and got away from it when I got to being in high school. I still believe in God but I’m not the best Christian in the world; far from it.

Then something just clicked. I don’t know what it was. The tears just stopped. I stopped  being sad, I stopped caring, I was just done.

I have barely thought about it since! Usually it takes me several weeks if not months to move on and do me from traumatic events but this time it was like a switch. If I were to guess, I might say that it had something to do with the fact this isn’t really the first time this person has hurt me. My ability to cry is notorious for being incredibly high but I think even I ran out of tears and emotion for this one chapter of my life this time!

Moving on!

“Stop looking for happiness in the same place you lost it.”

 

I even went out last night! 🙂

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The One Discussing the Dissecting Problem

We can’t help but continuously think about the past. I keep wondering what could have, would have, should have. One can argue that dissecting what happened can help us figure out our mistakes and learn to not make them again in the future.

The dissecting is all done by ourselves however. We seek advice from our friends, we replay the situation over and over again in our heads. ClichĂ© saying, but it’s true when people say “It’s not you, it’s me.”

In my situation, it wasn’t even said. I just have to understand that the concept stands; even for this situation. When you’re not the one who made the mistakes, it’s not your fault.

I can’t try to understand or ‘learn from my mistakes’ because I wasn’t the one who made them. It’s stupid for me to try and understand why when it wasn’t me. I was just an unlucky soul hit in the crossfire.

So I need to stop dissecting. It reminds me of math for some reason. You recognize the problem at hand but say you’re supposed to multiply to solve, I’m dividing instead. It’s never going to get me where I need to be.

Where I need to be is important, I need to be happy, I need to understand and accept that it wasn’t me. I need to understand that terrible things happen to people that don’t deserve it all the time. Not just to me. There is no singular event in this universe.

I took steps to recover today. I left the house, went to the gym, reached out to people I usually don’t reach out to in order to reconnect with people.

I wasted a lot of time in the past on this same issue and it’s time I can’t have back. I can only make sure I don’t sink more time into something unworthy.

So for today’s personal development/realization, it’s to look to the future and stop looking into the past. Past won’t help me when it wasn’t my fault. I didn’t do anything wrong, I don’t have anything I should feel sorry for. I don’t deserve to let someone else’s mistakes hinder my development and my happiness. His mess is not for me to clean and I sure as hell refuse to let it get on me.

Today was  a good day, I kept my self occupied, and learned to love myself just a little bit more. I know there will be days where I may fall back but that’s also worrying too much into the future. What matters is that I’m okay right now in the present, and it’s what I should continue striving for.